Attraction

My response to a prompt posed by Marlana xx

A while ago I made a note begging people to throw some writing prompts my way because, as I so eloquently put it at the time, “my brain is not braining.”

Depiction of my brain cells not braining.

Marlana offered one of the many prompts I received, and I have to say, this one intrigued me. So here we are.

Her prompt seemed simple enough: Do you think you are attracted to people because of who they are or what they represent?

This is a question I had never been asked before, so I didn’t quite know how to go about it. Most of what follows comes from a few hours of research and trying to organize my thoughts into something coherent. Which is difficult for me. And because of that, the examples I use may be broad as I attempt to define things clearly, especially since these two ideas can overlap in ways that become surprisingly nuanced.

Now, I am not a psychologist, I have a Bachelors of Science in Business, and my expertise in attraction mostly amounts to “I like him” or “I don’t like him.” But the question itself is interesting because once you start thinking about it, it opens the door to how people perceive one another, and how our own values shape that perception.

To answer the prompt properly, I think it’s important to distinguish between who someone is and what they represent. Definitions help, at least for me when I don’t know what I’m doing. Based on a few hours of Googling, I came to find:

Who someone is pertains to their personality: whether they are kind, intelligent, thoughtful, outgoing, and so on. In the simplest sense, it is their identity.

What someone represents is broader and a little more symbolic. It’s the idea attached to them. What role do they appear to fill? What do other people see when they look at them?

A good example I came across while trying to sort this out is a soldier. Who they are might be someone who is lonely, exhausted, missing their family back home, maybe they are humorous or kind. But what they represent as a soldier could be patriotism, sacrifice, or violence, depending on how you may interpret this role.

Personally, when I think about the people I’ve been attracted to, it has usually been a mix of both. But more often than not, who someone is carries more weight for me. That’s because identity is internal. It shows itself through someone’s decisions, their habits, the way they treat people, and the values they live by day to day - it’s a stable representation of their mind and heart. What someone represents, on the other hand, is often an external interpretation, and different people can interpret the same person in completely different ways.

Stories are a great example of this, specifically men in dark romance or fantasy books. The main character might be aggressive, violent, even a literal killer. Some readers will look at those traits alone and say he represents chaos, anger, or death. “This man is psychotic.”

Others will see the same character and interpret him differently: yes, he’s violent, but in the world he inhabits, that violence is tied to protecting the people he loves. And somehow, that becomes attractive. Protection. Let’s just say the book community tends to favor that second interpretation about 99% of the time. I will leave it at that.

Let’s go back to the soldier example. You can see how perception changes depending on what someone values. Some may view soldiers primarily through the lens of violence. After all, war inevitably means taking lives. Others may focus on what they believe soldiers stand for: loyalty, service, patriotism.

One person sees a hero. Another sees a villain. What is the right answer here? Is there one?

Again, what do you value more?

Often, what we see says as much about our own beliefs as it does about the person we’re looking at.

After thinking about it for a while, I’ve come to believe that initial attraction, for me, often begins with what someone represents. If someone appears confident, expressive, strong, or mysterious, that external impression is enough to draw my attention. I want to know more. I’m intrigued. But once I start learning who that person actually is - their habits, values, ambitions, and the way they treat others - that’s when attraction either deepens or disappears entirely.

There have certainly been times when I realized I wasn’t attracted to the person themselves, but to what they seemed to represent. The idea of them portraying the role I placed them in. The story I had attached to them.

We’ve all done this.

Going back to the fantasy example, readers might find the dangerous, aggressive character appealing because they interpret those traits as signs of protection. The brooding, emotionally unavailable mob boss might very well be the biggest jerk in the book, but some might still think, “This is the type of man who would do anything to protect his family or the person he loves.”

Whether your interpretations are accurate is another matter entirely.

But that’s where things can become tricky. The narrative you attach to someone might be completely wrong. The only way to really test that perception is by learning who the person actually is. The mob boss you assumed was protective might simply be cruel and heartless. The soldier you labeled violent might be one of the kindest people you’ve ever met.

In both cases, the external symbol and the internal reality don’t always align.

Ultimately, I believe that what we see in others often reflects what we value most. Someone who prioritizes peace might view anyone involved in war as violent. Someone who believes strongly in duty and service may see those same individuals as heroes.

Perhaps that is also why stories are so compelling. Characters often represent ideas larger than themselves: death, love, hope, vengeance, protection. But the characters we remember most are the ones who reveal who they truly are beneath those symbols.

I’m sure many of you can think of a story where you initially hated a character, only to later discover the circumstances that shaped them, and suddenly, your entire perception changes in a split second. One of my favorite anime, Demon Slayer, does this often. Characters who became monsters were once human beings placed in desperate situations - trying to protect their family, trying to survive, trying not to die. And once you understand that, sympathy begins to replace judgment, and the idea you once had about who or what they represented - greed, anger, selfishness - turns into empathy.

“They didn’t have a choice in that moment.”
”They deserved a second chance.”

But again, sometimes someone’s external representation is exactly who they are on the inside, but the only way to truly understand that is by looking at them for who they really are.

Overall, attraction for me begins with the symbols I think I see in someone. I take what I see, both physically and in brief interactions or observations, and draw a conclusion - do I approach them or not?

But if it’s meant to last, if that attraction is to become strong and meaningful, it means forcing myself to confront who that person truly is beneath the exterior persona. As much as you may want them to fit your storyline, unfortunately, it doesn’t always work that way.

Marlana, I hope I somewhat answered your question. I tend to go off on tangents and ramble, so I also hope I made some sense.

I’m curious other people’s thoughts, though. Take the question and answer it for yourself - a post, a note, comment, whatever you want. I like to see and understand other people’s brains, perspectives and ideas.

Thank you for reading! :) And if you have any more questions like this, please send them to me. This is fun! :D